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Friendship

Many people long for a friend that they can trust, turn to in times of trouble and enjoy good times with. Yet often we forget that to get a good friend, means we have to be willing to be a good friend for someone else. That sounds simple, and it is, but what makes it so rare? What makes it so difficult?

In my case, and in the case of the hundreds I have 'helped', the main answer was 'self-centeredness'. We tend to focus on what is most important to us, and when we hold ourselves as important to us, we may overdo that, and often do. To 'walk in another's moccasins' we need to stop looking at the world through our eyes. I have worked with many people wanted to 'rehabilitate' or 'recover', and one tendency I have noticed is that we, as a people, tend to focus on pain. If we hurt, then we focus even more on ourselves. This 'self-centeredness', this 'me-first' attitude, this focus on 'what are my rights in this situation' is ultimately destructive to a culture that wants the adults to work together, to be interdependent on each other. It is selfish.

To go beyond self-centeredness in truly wonderful. Mazlow, a famous psychologist, had a theory about people's "hierarchy of needs". In short, you could be interested in the higher ones only if the lower ones were met. When he first published, he stated that the highest need was "Self-Actualization", or meeting our highest potential. After decades of being twisted in the press and among the rest of his profession, he re-published, stating he'd chosen his words more carefully now. He re-named the highest need as "Self-Transcendence". The state in which we go beyond ourselves, and may even forget ourselves. Many of us are good at doing that once in a while. To stay there just a little longer, takes a tremendous amount of work for someone like me.

A - Acceptance

Accept them AS THEY ARE, without changes/growth. You may want them to change, and it may be for their own good, but this is the starting point. You must allow them to stay as they are, if that is what they want to do. Besides, you are where you are, and you would appreciate patience from others as they tolerate your shortcomings and flaws, minor as those flaws are to you. Give others the same.

Many addicts can not let go of addiction because they refuse to look into what the addiction is doing for them. What are the benefits of being addicted to whatever their current addictive substance? If they never learn, they will hope from one addiction to another, trying to fulfill a need they haven't admitted through means they haven't reviewed! I have seen that once an addict accepts that they want to stay an addict, then dig deeper to find the benefits of their addiction, they then have more power to break both current and future addictions. By accepting their habit, they gain the power to overcome the habit.

E - Encourage

Help them become more; to reach toward their potential. Help them with the energy to change by motivating them, inspiring them, mentoring them, cheering them on, listening to them, giving them quality time, whatever helps. Most people that would benefit from changing already know it, they don't believe that the effort is worth it.

Also, most of us already have a pretty good idea as to what would be best for us to do. We often don't do it because we are unwilling to make the extra effort, or don't think anyone will notice.

Encouraging isn't just something we do before someone does something. We can encourage 'after the fact'. Let your friends know that you noticed when they did something right. Be specific about their behaviors or choices. It'll help them have just a little bit more energy for the next time.

I - Interest

Be interested in their interests, this is opposite of apathy. Hate is not the opposite of love. You don't have to love what they love, but allow them to love their interests in your presence. Be with them when they are enjoying their lives. I have watched my children play with their new toys, even though I had no interest in playing with those new toys. They were excited to tell me about this and that, they shared the gleam in their eye and in their heart with me.

They had a blast telling me about something I cared nothing about. (If I remember right, she had some new Barbie toy for Christmas and he had some Lego stuff.) What I did care about was them having the chance to talk to me, to share with me.

That was wonderful for them and for me. We shared wonderful minutes together, as they talked about what they were truly enjoying.

O - Optimize the Benefits of Mistakes

Some believe in 'overlooking' mistakes. I believe that 'overlooking' is too low a goal for someone that we call friend. Mistakes happen, we make them (I am living proof that people make mistakes. I make them every day.) Some say that 'overcoming' mistakes is great. I agree, but again, I set a higher goal. To overcome a mistake almost sounds like to survive it. My goal is to maximize the benefit, or get the most out of the mistake. Sometimes, a major mistake gives us the determination to never be vulnerable to it again. Some people have tremendous self-discipline in various areas of their life, because they once failed in that area.

When someone makes a mistake, try a new response. Don't withhold consequences from them, for that is not love. However, help them to see beyond their own mistakes, re-framing what is considered a 'mistake' by referring to it as a 'learning experience'. They can grow past their mistakes, they can turn the mistakes of the past into learning experiences and moving on. Overlook doesn't mean ignore, it means process and move on. The past is over, let's learn from it. No mistake stays a mistake unless we repeat it. If we learned from it, and have found a way to avoid it in the future, that is smart.

If they don't see their own responsibility in the 'mistake', it may be helpful to gently push them to accept culpability. Otherwise they will be victimized by their own ignorance for a long time, and that is not being a friend. A phrase that comes to mind here is the one that says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

Reality isn't always pleasant, but I believe it is important to be aware of it.

Mistakes are what some fear, and they do little. Mistakes are what some overcome, and they do more. Some optimize their learning from their own mistakes (and sometimes from the mistakes of others) and go even further.

U - Understanding

Empathy. Wear their shoes, use their eyes. Understanding doesn't mean endorsing, it means understanding. I may understand someone's deep desire for revenge without endorsing it and without condemning them for being human.

Especially when hurting, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Pain is one of the universal truths about life, every one of us has experienced it and will experience it again. The funny thing about pain is that somehow, when we are in it, we start to believe that we are the only ones suffering. We forget that others know what this is like. So, the first thing for us to do is to help them push that aside by letting them know we understand.

Earn their respect by listening and caring. Try to validate their point of view, even if it is limited.